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Since Jake's return to the ring, especially this most recent return, Roeper has worried that his days are numbered before he'll face an injury that will sideline him permanently. It's a day she hopes never comes, yet fears it could any day. Jake's age is not going in reverse, he's faced a couple devastating injuries within the halls of SCW, and with each of them, the likelihood of another grows greater. She also knows that trying to convince him to abandon his dream and his passion would be just as catastrophic to his mentality as an injury would. So it's a chronic battle for her to try and remind herself that Jake is doing what he loves, and doing what it takes to remain safe.
Aside from the health issues, there are then the family issues... When Jake goes off to events, like Breakdown for example, he leaves behind a wife and daughter who, for the most part, rarely see him when he's on the road full time. His daughter, still just a mere 9 months old, hasn't had the chances to fully bond with her father, like she has with her mother. Jake knows it's something he ultimately needs to remedy sometime soon. Getting to spend time with his daughter is something that he always thinks about when he's on the road, and when he's home, always means to do. Roeper, having watched Jake during his brief moments with their daughter, knows Jake is legit in his desire to spend more and more time with his Mara, but realizes that his hectic schedule makes it a difficult scenario to make a reality. Even with that acceptance of reality, she has always hoped that one day Jake would forego his busyness, and just bite the bullet. It's a desire she need not wait for anymore. She's retreated to her bedroom, full of happiness and joy for once in a long time. She knows that she's usually plagued with worry, sadness, and for once, those aren't emotions riddling her body. For once, it's the alternate. For once she's overcome with a sense of calm, flowing throughout her body. It's way too overdue. She sits down on the edge of her bed, and reaches into the nightstand. She pulls out her personal diary/journal, which she has frequently used, much like Jake, as an outlet for her emotions. It's proved to be very resourceful, especially on the days he's away. Many of the entries chronicle her days leading up to Mara's birth, and her days with Mara, with a continual desire to have Jake be at home to be part of the family. Occasionally, especially right before Jake's return at Taking Hold of the Flame, she expressed a lot of frustration with her husband, honestly believing that he was simply being stubborn, and not realizing that he needed much help of his own. After his "enlightenment," out in the streets of Des Moines, the tone slowly began to change. She realized that she had been mistaken, and realized Jake was well aware of what he was doing and experiencing. Truthfully, it was this moment that began to help her realize Jake could handle these issues properly, and on his own. She flips through some of the other older stories, reminding herself about the days Jake and Helms battled it out inside and outside of the ring, and how she felt it would be the beginning of his unraveling in professional wrestling. All of these stories bring back various emotional responses, but none are able to completely silence the happiness she feels inside. As she reaches the final entry in her diary, she comes to a new and blank page. With every entry, she writes as if she's writing a letter to someone, but knows ultimately, she's writing to herself years down the road. She wants to remember as much as possible, so that she can convey and recollect stories and instances from her perspective as well. She reaches out and grabs her pen, and with her inner monologue reading the words she puts to paper, she begins to write. Roeper Hart: Dear Diary, For once in my life, I write you as someone who isn't scared, who isn't concerned, and who isn't worried. The past couple days have really shown me a lot, in regards to my husband. It's something that, even as I write this, I know I will never be able to find the right words to describe, but I just know that it's, well, special. Up until this point, I've really shared much of the "baby-raising" duties around the house, and it's something I've understood would be expected of me. I mean, Jake's job requires that he be on the road virtually 10 months a year, and the time he's home, he's really focusing on work. It's a routine of, he comes home, sees Mara and I, then heads off to unpack, and begin figuring out what the next course of action is. It's the life of a professional wrestling family I suppose. Yesterday, though, things began to change... Before I get into it, and I don't know why I feel like I'm telling this to someone, as much just writing this to myself 20 years down the road, but Jake is an excellent father. He does everything in his power to provide for us, and make sure we are living to the most comfortable we can. He's been amazing through all of his time on the road, all of his injuries, and everything else that goes into this business, and never once taken it out on us. Jake is amazing to me, amazing to Mara, and truthfully loves us both. It's normal for him to appear once, maybe twice, a day, and that's sum total of when we see him, but we know why. We know the nature of this industry. But nevertheless, the way things have been the past couple days don't seem to fall into that category of normal... As Roeper writes and her monologue recollects the events verbally, her mind's eye begins to visibly replay the events. It's as if the "movie" of her past couple days begins to playback in her mind.
So... It began when I woke up late, and began to panic. Usually by that point Mara has started whimpering, and letting me know she's hungry. But this time, I didn't hear a peep. I didn't hear a sound coming from anywhere. I looked over and Jake wasn't in bed, so this was even stranger. He's not a morning person like that, so I felt certain something was wrong. I jumped out of bed, and ran to Mara's crib, and she was missing too. I felt myself begin to panic. I called out, "Jake?" My voice echoed through the hallways, to a chorus of silence, until I heard him reply out, "In the kitchen, babe!" At this point, I don't know why, I felt like the feeling of panic had subsided a little. I can't explain why I knew things weren't strange, but I just did. So I walked out into the kitchen, slowly, and I saw the most amazing sight in the world. I saw my husband, the father of my child, sitting there, feeding her, burping towel over his shoulder, and Mara as happy as a clam. I just froze in the doorway, and Jake looked up at me, smiling from ear to ear. He was being a dad. He was getting to be a dad for, really, the first time since she was born. He's always been a bystander, helping out with odds and ends, but this was him turning into a father. I, honestly, didn't know how to react. I just stood there, shocked more so than anything, but in admiration of the man I married doing what he always said he wanted to do. I guess my awkward stance and appearance wasn't as "hidden" as I may have wanted, because Jake looked up at me again, and said, "She was up kind of early, and I saw you were actually sleeping well. I didn't want you to have to get up, and I figured since she's as much my fault as yours, I'd take care of her this morning." Those were words that vibrated my eardrums like that only of a sweet swan song. He did this for me, and he did it for her. It wasn't something he was doing because he was just "being nice," or feeling obligated. He did it because he wanted to for us. It was that glimpse of Jake's heart that told me that he really was all "still there," even though he had gone back to wrestling. It was those words, and that power behind them, that told me that he hadn't forgotten his family, nor his love for his daughter. After all of this, I tried to kind of resume my normal duties, offering to take the baby, and go about doing things like a normal day. Once he was done feeding, and let me kind of resume my duties as the "mother," he kind of looked at me with this stern look and told me, "tomorrow is my day with her!" It was quite a weird thing for him to say, but he clarified that he had plans for the two of them today. So again, things were becoming different, but in a very, very, good way. The day wrapped up with Jake finalizing some things he had to deal with for his job, and making sure he had a completely clean slate, and nothing that could interrupt his time with Mara. Roeper takes a deep breath and looks up. The remembrance of Jake's initial activities into the world of domesticated fatherhood causes her to briefly stare off into the distance and smile. Yet another warming and cooling feeling begins to overtake her body.
Then came today. Day two of Jake's emersion into fatherhood. Today started out much like yesterday, with Jake taking Mara this morning, letting me sleep, and really just handling the morning activities. This time, I figured he had things he needed to handle, being he's heading out tomorrow, so I went over to grab her after he was done feeding her. I figured his "day" would be once he got packed, got squared away, and made sure everything was ready for his wrestling schedule, he'd come get Mara and proceed with their activities. But boy was I wrong! As I leaned in to grab her, he looked up at me again, this time with a really confused, and quite annoyed look, I must say, and told me again this was "their day." I didn't know whether I was being told to go away, and simply be gone, or what. He then explained that this was their day, and I was welcome to be a part of it, or I could simply go enjoy some "me time," without the worry of the baby. Thankfully he explained all of that because otherwise I'd have thought I was being told that he was going to try and bond without me. I decided to take some time to myself, and tried to relax. The first thing I did, which I have to say I haven't gotten to do in a long time, was take a bubble bath. A LONG, and RELAXING bubble bath. Oh my GOD did it feel good. After letting myself get quite prune-y, I decided to finally get out, and kind of see what else I could do. I meandered into the entertainment room, and talk about another sight for my delight, Jake had decided to take a nap, and Mara was asleep on his chest. It was one of the most precious things I had ever seen! Jake looked so content, and Mara looked so peaceful sleeping there with her dad. They apparently had both crashed watching reruns of Top Gear, which I was kind of curious why Jake had picked that to be their bonding show of choice. I decided to tip toe over and turn the TV off, and right as I did that, Jake, with his eyes still shut, says to me, "we were watching that you know?" I couldn't help but chuckle. Even in the deepest of sleep, he apparently still has a clue about the TV being on. I told him he was asleep, and he argued he wasn't. Trust me when I say his buzz saw told me he was! Anyway, I asked him why he picked Top Gear to watch with our daughter, and he said a lot of it had to do with wanting to start showing her things he did. He wanted to give her a good sense of who her daddy was, and things like that. I think that's just adorable of him! I just worry, knowing what he likes to do, and knowing his friends, if he decides to show her too much, too fast, she's liable to turn out more like him than I may like. Dealing with one of him is fine, dealing with multiple "hims" would be a daunting task. I won't lie, though, I have a feeling she's going to end up turning into her father's daughter more than I may like. Anyway, after that, I went back to doing my own thing, catching up on some reading, handled some of the bills, made some food for myself, and then I heard Jake's voice again. My curiosity got the better of me, again, and I had to go investigate. When I found him, he had Mara in his office, with her playing with one of his old OWF Title belts. Apparently he had sat down with it in the floor of his office, to tell her about what he did, you know, in "daddy language," and apparently she found the belt interesting. In my mind, I figure she said to herself, "OOHH SHINY," and commenced crawling on it. When I got in there, she was trying to pick part of it up, and when she couldn't she'd just crawl around on it. At one point, she saw her own reflection in part of it, looked up at Jake, and just began laughing. Jake immediately acted like he didn't know what was going on, looked into the belt himself, and acted surprised as well, when he saw his reflection. This just started a modified game of peek-a-boo that she found extremely entertaining. They kept playing for a while, then she apparently gave off a look showing she had a really "deep thought." I figured Jake would call me to come in to do the cleanup, but apparently he had already given himself ample experience in that field as well, and next thing I knew, he was changing her right there. What can I say, for being a fighter and a wrestler, he's pretty domesticated. From another room, Roeper's name is echoed through the hallways. She looks back and replies, and finds out Jake needs some assistance with something. She decides this is probably the best "stopping point" for her entry, and elects to wrap things up.
Well apparently somewhat domesticated... He just called for my help, so I can't wait to see what this is. Until next time... Love, Roeper Roeper closes the book, and takes one more brief moment to reflect on all of the moments she just relived in written form. She takes a deep breath, and smiles to herself, knowing that Jake, throughout all of his trying, still hasn't quite mastered the art of taking care of their daughter. It's a sense she likes because it gives her a moment to teach and help her husband, rather than the other way around.
She stands up and heads in the direction of Jake's voice, knowing that she'll be able to remedy the situation, whatever it may be. She also knows that, while Jake is involved in a profession that puts his body on the line day-in and day-out, he does so to provide for them, and help them continue to live a comfortable life. She also knows Jake is preparing to leave the next day, with Breakdown on the horizon, and knows she needs to begin resuming the roles of motherhood. Jake Starr: This week has proved to be one where I, needless to say, got to have time to really step back and be normal. It's been a week where Jake Starr didn't have to be the superstar, the wrestler, the performer, or the celebrity. I got to be Jake Starr, the father. It was a moment I really needed to experience. It rejuvenated me to a degree that needed to happen. It wasn't that I was feeling my batteries drained, or feeling like I was faltering, but it made sure to remind me why I did everything I did, what motivated me to come back, and what my goal is in life. You see, when you walk out there night after night, you have to know why you're going out there. You have to really realize why you put your body on the line, sometimes risk life and limb, and risk some sort of debilitating injury night after night. Sure, you go out there for the fans. They're the ones who ultimately help put the money in your pocket, and they're the paying customers here. But they cannot be the sole purpose of everything. I love the fans, even those who may not like me, but I realize, now, that they're not the reason I go out there. And I don't want them to take offense to it at all. See, this week, I got to be a dad, and play with my daughter. I got to look her in the eye, see her smile, see her happy to see her daddy, and seeing that really made me realize she's my motivation. I do this, now, for her. Sure, there's an occasional moment where I do something for a selfish purpose, but in this industry, she's why I wanted to come back. I wanted to come back so I could show her what I do, what I do well, and why she should be proud of her daddy. So I do this for her... But like I said, there are the occasional moments where you have to be selfish. With that being said, Shawn Winters, he's my selfish moment. Coming back to SCW, as a whole career choice, was for my daughter and my family. Deciding to call out Shawn Winters was me being selfish. That's the kind of mentality I have now, and going forward. Seeing how happy my daughter was to spend some time with me, that opened my eyes to continue to press forward and continue to strive for success, and ultimately perfection. She will love me no matter what, but I feel, at least, she saw a happy father in front of her. She saw a father who was proud of what he had done thus far. She saw a father who was happy with the direction of things. So I think she wants me to be happy because I think much like how happy I am to see her happy, she feels the same way. With that mentality, I look toward Breakdown. I look toward an event that, honestly, will have more meaning than anyone else sees but me. See, Breakdown is the first event after Rise to Greatness, obviously. It's the first night where I walk in, having defeated Adam Allocco, and having faced down a demon that had haunted me since the early days of my career. I should have every ounce of momentum behind me. I should be able to waltz into the arena, and just make mincemeat of anyone who the SCW brass threw in front of me. I mean, that would make sense right? Theoretically, I should be high on a wave of momentum. But the truth is, I am. I am riding that wave. I am riding that momentum into Breakdown! But why would that lead me to be cautious? Why would that lead me to feel reserved? It goes back to Rise to Greatness... Well actually LONG before Rise to Greatness 2011. It took place when Jake Starr and Adam Allocco first fought. It was a moment that Allocco pulled no punches with, and referenced many times. He talked about how Jake Starr went from riding a wave of momentum, to becoming complacent. Jake Starr began to just assume he would be able to waltz into any match, and walk away victorious. So, I'm riding that same wave. I am riding it higher than ever. Momentum is on my side more so than it has ever been before. People are beginning to take notice that I'm back, and back with a vengeance. But the fact that Allocco made it clear to me that it was that very scenario that ultimately lead to my loss to him, sticks out like a sore thumb in my mind. It's a painful memory because, well, it's right. I became complacent, and if I ride the momentum like I could, I fear I would become complacent and suffer the same kind of upset. It also doesn't help that my opposition is someone I have bested twice. It's an opponent that would make me think that, if history truly repeats, I should have no problem in winning. I already went over how each match with Justin Davis went. I made it clear that those two matches went my way, and ultimately were for much higher stakes than this one. So, I should go in saying that this is all going to go my way... Right? Wrong! See, looking at my daughter, and seeing her look up at me with that sense of happiness and joy, it told me I couldn't go back to those ways. It told me that I had to make sure that even though I am cocky, I can't begin to just assume, become complacent, and take things for granted. I have to go in with the belief that, while the numbers and odds are probably on my side, anything can happen. I know what Justin is capable of. Hell, we've had plenty of time in the ring together, for major prizes, to really give one another a nice taste of what the other has. Justin knows me. He knows what I have to offer in that ring. Hell, I'm sure before Rachel and I made peace with one another, she probably mentioned me once or twice. So the odds are, Justin knows me, and I know for a fact, I know Justin. What does that mean, then? Does it mean I go in there, thinking that I can handle Justin Davis like I have before? Do I go in there, like Allocco failed to do against me, and worry that this time, things could be different, and he could beat me? Do I worry that Justin is going to have new tricks up his sleeve? Truth be told, I expect him to have some new tricks. Hell, we haven't squared off since 2009, do I really think he became complacent with his career? Seriously? I expect him to bring a new level of competition to our match. I expect he'll have several surprises for me. Otherwise, it wouldn't make sense that he'd want to fight me again. If he didn't think he could bring a whole new game plan against me, why would he want a third loss to me on his record? There's no logic there, either. He has something planned for me, I mean that's obvious. But on the flip side, we haven't faced in over a year. I've had a slew of ups and downs since then, and truthfully, they've changed how I work as well. I don't try and do things the same way each time I step into the ring. I did for a while, and yeah, it got me some great success, but then people began to catch on. People began to figure me out, and kind of know how Jake Starr played his game. People timed me out better, people called me out better, and people beat me at my own game. So if Davis is looking at the old me, and figuring out how to beat him, he's in a world of hurt. I don't think the same way, and more importantly, I don't roll the same way. I've figured out how to be innovative every time I go out there. In the eyes of some, they consider that "boring," but to those people, I simply say, it works, and they sure a shit haven't stepped up to the plate to shut me up either. I do what I do, and dammit, I win. It's what I plan to do at Breakdown, and it's what I plan to do going forward. Face it... At Breakdown, I show the world that I'm not the same man I was when I was riding high before. I'm not satisfied with what I have DONE, I'll only be satisfied when I achieve what I see as my goals down the road. I'm going out there to prove to myself, my daughter, and my family that I will continue to be successful, and not settle for complacency. I won't settle for "good enough." I won't settle until I have reached the top of the tallest mountain, and forced the world to look at me and say, "what more can he truly do?" Because until the day everyone is asking that question, I'm not done here. For some, that'll mean disappointment after disappointment, knowing I still exist. For others, it'll be a cure for their insomnia as a bore them to sleep, and still succeed far beyond what it is they CLAIM they can do. For me, however, it means I'm going to Breakdown, and I'm making another statement to Shawn Winters, and everyone else who thinks they'll shut me down once and for all. I'm making it clear, you can't kill me... Fin |
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