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For Jake Starr, there is a definite sense that the God of Wrestling Tournament is his rebound into the wrestling world, that has been relatively cruel to him as of late. He's been struggling to find his footing, and get back on the dominant roll that the world has become accustomed to him being on. In his most recent performance, Jake Starr was upset by SCW upstart, Ryan Watson, a blow to Jake that really hit him deep. Emotionally, he's doing everything he can do to overcome it, and moving on.
Many look at Jake as, "in a slump," having really faltered in many of his higher profile matches of late. Jake knows, in the back of his mind, that the losses amount to an ultimate diminishing of his achievements, and knows that he needs to get back on some kind of roll in order to right the ship. Jake has not been one to avoid focusing on his slump, either. He's always admitted his failured, and admitted when things didn't go right. At times, it's even driven him to the brink of collapse, and the complete belief that he's beyond the point of being able to fully compete in major events. So his new goal... Ignore it! He's had the assumption that maybe, just maybe, since he's focused so much on getting out of the slump, and acknowledging he's doing so, has lead him to constantly battle from behind. It's a mentality he's never had in his career. He's always assumed that he would be able to win, no matter what. It wasn't a matter of proving he "still could," because it was always a given. So, he hopes to go back to that. He hopes to ignore the losses, ignore the failures, and simply return to the ways that lead him to notoriety when he first entered SCW. It was that brash, cocky, "I'm better than you," style that annoyed many, but satisfied him. That's what this tournament could mean for Jake. A strong showing, even without ultimate domination and victory, could give Jake that simple confidence boost, and even a moment of feeling that "swift kick to the pants," to set him back on the right course. He also knows that proving himself in this type of event, and this type of tournament, would reinforce that his slump, is just that, a slump, and not in any way indicative of his abilities nowadays. First a foremost, he must get over the first hurdle. Standing in his way, as everyone already knows, is a man representing New Era Wrestling. Many of the competitors aren't familiar with the brand, which is why they have a solid opportunity in front of them. Their stars could solidify their name on the maps of every professional wrestler out there by upsetting some of the bigger names in the industry. It's one of those opportunities many clamor and beg for. They want to be "the guy" who is known for putting them on the map, and lifting them to stardom. It was Jake who helped lift SCW above it's "sister" organization, the Independent Wrestling Cartel, and put it as the premier organization, so he knows the feeling. He knows how motivated it can make a person, so he knows he can't take Blaster lightly. As the scene fades in, Jake stands with his back to the camera. His clothes are far different than those of which he's been used to being seen in. He stands, head to toe, covered in leather and chains. From the back, it looks like someone dressed for some kinky bondage outing. As he slowly spins around his look is that of a "tough guy," and the outfit now begins to take shape. He's seemingly dressed up as Michael Jackson, from the Spike Jonze directed video, "Bad." His hands are in the "Adam" pose, affixed firmly over his crotch, and he's cocking an eyebrow at the camera. After a pause of looking "tough" he tilts his head to the side, and begins to dish. Jake Starr: Throughout time, there has always methods out there, determining who was and was not pure. In a sense, these were life's litmus test on humanity. If you passed, you would be blessed by welcome arms into eternal bliss. There have been various methods of giving this "test," and determining who was and was not upstanding enough to be blessed with eternal happiness. Arguably the most popular litmus test, at least among the Christian community, is that of the "Seven Deadly Sins." They've become the benchmark to which humanity must live by, abide by, and hope not to stumble upon. These sins have been publicized in print, in speeches, and even in movies. They're so widely popular, even non-believers know about them. At the same time, they've been harped upon so many times that many, including myself, have succumbed to some of their charms. That's right... I admit it... I have violated some of those sins of which are called deadly, and in fact, so has every single human being on the face of the planet. There are none so pure that they can say they're free of sin. Sure, they may be forgiven, but they're not free from the memory of what they did. Now to some, partaking in some or all of these sins doesn't mean a life of eternal damnation. Hell, some argue that if weren't supposed to succumb to temptation every now and again, we wouldn't have gotten the option to do so. Then again, others are so married to the notion of the serpant in the Garden of Eden, that there is no question why humanity lives a life of suffering, for the most part. So the big question, the burning question, the question that everyone is wondering about... What are the Seven Deadly Sins? Not everyone has seen the movie "Seven," or have studied the Good Book to the point of knowing exactly what each sin encompasses. So I figure, I'll answer that question! The camera pans slightly to the left, revealing an easel next to Jake. It obviously has several pieces of poster board on it, and apparently signifies Jake's desire to use some "visual aids" in his presentation.
Jake pulls the first, blank, pieces of poster board off of the easel, and lets it fall to the floor. The next piece reveals the word "WRATH." Jake looks over at it, and then back at the camera with a shocked look in his eye. Wrath! Ooohhh! Scary word! Wrath is something many in my profession have suffered through many-a-time. Hell, just back at SCW's Highway to Hell, I kind of let out a little "wrath" of my own, and pummeled Christy Matthews with a bloody chair. But think about it, in professional wrestling, who hasn't succumbed to the feelings of rage, impatience, revenge, or vigilantism? I know I have! I know, honestly, that it can be quite enjoyable. I know others who have chastised me about it, as well. When I was battling Infamous, for example, and this is the first time, not this most recent time when I embarrassed the holy-living hell out of them, when I was battling them, I began to take measures into my own hands... Again! David Helms, well, didn't like my way of doing business. He told me attacking people without provocation wasn't the best method of doing things, and swore up and down that his goodie-goodie ways would ultimately "win-out," and low and behold, he kind of saw that occasionally, you have to give into the temptation! I don't care how holier than thou you may be, at some point, you wanted to beat someone over the head because of stupidity. Jake then pulls that board down, revealing the one behind it, "GREED."
Greed! Here's a good one! In this business, everyone has their moments of greed. Hell, Christy Matthews went around boring us about how she didn't care about titles, then when she figured everyone had forgotten what she said, like we're all a bunch of goldfish, she ran off and whined about not getting enough title shots. Hell, she sounded like a wannabe version of me, mixed with a piss poor imitation of Greg Cherry. It was one of the most uncomfortable attempts at an impression I think I've ever sat through. As for me, I know I'm a greedy bastard. I want it all. I want titles, accolades, opportunities, and recognition. That's what I've always wanted. I've wanted to be the best, showcase my abilities, and shock the world by winning in times I wasn't ever supposed to do so... ... So I guess this makes me two for two, then, huh? As Jake repeats the process again, "LUST" appears, which makes Jake giggle.
... Ok seriously who hasn't? Three for three! Moving on! The next card shows the word "PRIDE" and Jake just looks toward the camera, points to himself, nods, and holds up the number four, signifying he's still maintaining a perfect streak of sins he's violated. As he turns to the next card, it actually has two words printed on it. Both "SLOTH" and "ENVY" are emblazoned on the card. It's these words that bring a smile to Jake's face, and a deep sigh emanates.
Wow... Finally! Something I'm not! Ok to start with, I'm no three-toed animal, and I never knew any other definition for sloth, so therefore I'm just going to assume those animals are simply doomed to be sinners by name. I'm not one, nor have I met any wrestlers who like to dress up like one. Now I'm not going to say they don't attend "cuddle parties" dressed like one, but in public, they've been good about keeping their bedroom secrets on the DL! As for the other sin, envy, yeah, I don't envy anyone. I don't have this desire to want to be someone else. Sure, I may have this feeling of need to have what they have, but it isn't because they have it, it's because I want it. I have made my career out of making other envy me. I have made others want to be me. I have done things, and had such an influence, that upon my return, people actually get PISSED OFF that I'm even included in anything other than facing off against random newbies. It's documented fact here, people! There are recorded cases of people throwing hissy fits because they were upset I got to return, and have some kind of push they didn't get. It just doesn't work the other way around! It's like this tournament goes... I don't envy anyone. I especially don't envy anyone who is in my bracket, or a potential opponent. I've had SHIT luck as of late, and I'm not happy about it. The last time I was in this tournament, I got butt-screwed by a political system, rather than because I was outdone. So don't even contemplate FOR ONE MOMENT I envy someone else out there. I was blessed with a bracket that is mine for the taking. If I don't meet Shilo in the finals, it'll be an utter failure on the parts of one of us, or both if we both decide to completely shit the bed. Jake begins to, seemingly, begin to count on his fingers, while mumbling.
Alright, I said pride, greed, sloth, envy, lust, wrath... So that should mean... He then peeks behind the dual-labeled card, and confirms that there is, indeed, one more. He then looks up at the camera, and continues.
... So by my count, we're at SIX of the SEVEN "Deadly Sins" that plague humanity today. That leaves one more. I wonder what it could be? I mean, what would be the logical final bullet point to this? Jake reaches over and flicks the final board forward, revealing a picture of Nathan Blaster, and the word "GLUTTONY" sprawled across the bottom, in fitting "Cheezburger-esque" fashion.
Ah yes! GLUTTONY! Talk about a word with such a ripe meaning, especially with everything surrounding me, and surrounding this tournament right now. See, I'm facing a man, whom I've already stated, loves to refer to himself as a, "Fat Ass." It's not to be ironic, like if he were 150 pounds, soaking wet, but it's more literal, like "damn, that guy is a fat ass... Don't get in an elevator with him, unless you're going down!" That's exactly right. I'm facing a glutton. It's a trait I don't seem to quite know how to grasp. I have never "let myself go" like that, to where I literally am being asked to buy two seats on an airplane, being asked to not take another trip to the buffet, or simply being asked if there was any way I could stop the copious amounts of sweat that are emanating from every pore on my body. But this guy, he's one of them. He's a guy who has to ride one of those motorized shopping carts to the ring, just to prolong the fact he'll be winded after five steps... Three if he's actually going UP stairs. So he's a sinner as well. I would say he has a lot of envy, a lot of greed, probably ate a sloth, rages when he eats, takes pride in his weight, and obviously overeats to the point of deadly obesity. This knowledge tells me a lot, and makes me feel comfortable that in the "pecking order" of sinners, there's at least one person who is worse off than me. So kudos to Nathan on being able to successfully say, "I beat Jake Starr at something!" See, here's the thing, forget the fatness, forget the gluttony, forget the sinning, because the skinny is this... Jake pauses, realizing the pun, and begins to giggle.
... Skinny! Ha ha! Get it?! He composes himself, and continues on.
... The fact is, this guy is walking into a living death trap. He's walking into a fight that he's not prepared for. When you have to go out, find some kind of half-ass, beat, reporter to come and ask you questions about your life, your history, et cetera, just do people know who you are, and what you've accomplished, you're not in a good place. Hell, I've been there as well. I once had to tell everyone who I was, but then I became synonymous with the damn industry. People knew me, and knew what I was about, without being told. I didn't have to spell it out, or try and convey the fact that, "this is who I am, and what I'm about, so you should be scared!" It's a painful realization, if you ask me. It sucks to know that you have no credibility, no credo, no nothing, and yet have to try and convey it. Seriously, Nathan could, very well, be something that's going to shock me. He could put a hutin' on me like I would have never expected. And if that's the case, I'm in for a rude awakening of epic proportions, which will suck the living life out of me. That's why I simply won't let it happen! Jake knocks the easel over, and stares deeply into the camera.
Nathan, you want to be the counterpoint to any point I may throw at you, or any move I may be able to muster, then fine. Try your best. Try to be that person who simply makes it to where I can't muster any offense, and breaks me. Try to be that man, I seriously want you to try. Give it every fucking OUNCE of your being because when the dust settles, and you're forced to reflect on this moment, you won't even have an inkling of a memory of, "wow, I was that close." I have found something, other than eating copious amounts of lard and bacon grease, that you're good at. You're GREAT at not even understanding what it is you are running your mouth about. You want to say all of these tough battles and tournaments you've been through, how you've faced adversity, been slated for opportunities to be World Champion, and then had the carpet ripped from under you, but then say nobody cares about my past? Hello? Attention dumbass in the room, which would be you, you're telling us about your blase past like it is a poetic description of a wrestler's life, trials, and tribulations. I'm sorry, because you call something a "Deathmatch," and claim you only won by ingesting sticks of C-4, doesn't make it real. I won a match once where I had to force pledges to carry kernels of popcorn in their asses, walk 10 feet, then drop it on a dollhouse, as an initiation... Or maybe that was a flashback to my college days, I dunno... Nevermind... You need to really focus on what it is you're trying to make others believe. You want others to look at you, a fat mess, and think YOU want to win this match more than me? I'm sorry, the prize isn't cake, so I don't think you do. This is about glory. This is about redemption... Especially for me! This isn't about whether or not you get pushed if you can or can't handle a few upsetting moments in your private life. If it was, it's be an episode of Dr. Phil, not the GOD OF WRESTLING TOURNAMENT. This isn't a moment for you to try and justify that you're not injury prone. Ask others what kind of pain in inflict! If you're injury prone, your ass isn't going to like what is in store for you because it's going to hurt, and it's going to last. Face it... You have an opportunity, kid... You have a chance to really make a name for yourself in ONE MATCH. Most people covet that chance, and wish to GOD it would come their way, and it's here for you. You have the chance to define your entire career by beating me, so will you act on it? Will you seize the day, like I have EACH and EVERY DAY in my career? Will you become a household name in the span of the three seconds it would take to pin me? Or will you piss it all away, opting for food, and continual, excessive weight gain? I guarantee you're not ready for me. You couldn't be. Your "New Era" couldn't prepare you for someone like me. So keep gorging, and enjoy that last wafer-thin mint, because when all is said and done, you're going to simply witness your innards spread across an arena, after I finish you off. So forget the sheer volume of sins you've committed. Let that be an afterthought. Don't let the thought of eternal damnation scare you right now because you're not dead yet. Worry about this match. Worry about what's going to happen. Worry about how you're going to feel embarrassed to go back to your "New Era" brethren, knowing you couldn't make it out of round one. It could have been a moment for you to say, "I was simply beaten by one of the best ever," but instead, you've opted to have it be that you will have been beaten by someone who wanted it less, wasn't as good, and simply spoke to hear himself talk. Jake thrusts one fist into the air, and his suit begins to expand, and grow like a balloon. He ends up beginning to look like Weird Al, as the music for "Fat" begins to play in the background. As the lyrics kick in, Jake begins to lip sync to the music, and simultaneously is joined in the frame by two other obese dancers. They continue to perform their dance routine, and rendition of "Fat" by Weird Al, as the scene slowly begins to fade to black.
With Jake lashing out one final time toward his opponent, many wonder if it'll be enough for Jake to topple him in this tournament. Jake's luck, of late, has not been good, and he could simply succumb to the pressure. Otherwise, it could mark the true resurrection of his career, both in this tournament, and over in SCW. If that is the case, if Jake truly returns to form against Nathan Blaster, then the world will officially be put on notice. He was dominant when he was confident. He was the man when he simply knew what he was doing. It's now time to see if he's still in that boat, or possible still way out to sea. Fin |
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